Two bytes meet.  The first byte asks, “Are you ill?”  
The second byte replies, “No, just feeling a bit off.”

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Eight bytes walk into a bar.  The bartender asks, “Can I get you anything?”

“Yeah,” reply the bytes.  “Make us a double.”

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Q. How did the programmer die in the shower?
A. He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

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How many programers dose it take to change a light bulb?
None – It’s a hardare problem

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Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas? 
Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25.

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There are only 10 kinds of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don’t.

A programmer walks to the butcher shop and buys a kilo of meat.  An hour later he comes back upset that the butcher shortchanged him by 24 grams.

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“Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
very long pause….
“Java.”

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Programming is 10% science, 20% ingenuity, and 70% getting the ingenuity to work with the science.

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Programming is like sex:
One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

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A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air.  His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says, “Can’t you see the warning on the cigarette pack?  Smoking is hazardous to your health!” 

To which the man replies, “I am a programmer.  We don’t worry about warnings; we only worry about errors.”

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There are three kinds of lies: Lies, damned lies, and benchmarks.

A programmer is walking along a beach and finds a lamp.  He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears.  “I am the most powerful genie in the world.  I can grant you any wish, but only one wish.” 

The programmer pulls out a map, points to it and says, “I’d want peace in the Middle East.” 

The genie responds, “Gee, I don’t know.  Those people have been fighting for millenia.  I can do just about anything, but this is likely beyond my limits.” 

The programmer then says, “Well, I am a programmer, and my programs have lots of users.  Please make all my users satisfied with my software and let them ask for sensible changes.”

At which point the genie responds, “Um, let me see that map again.”